guilt

I met The Fiancé at work, in case you didn’t know. Long story short: I had a crush on him, but he was soooo not my type, so I struggled internally with it for a bit. He was just sooo nice. And – after all the men I had dated being sooo not nice – I couldn’t help but be attracted to him. He was cute and sweet, and did I mention sooo nice?

Six months after I started that job he finally asked me out on a date. I remember being so excited, but at the same time wondering if he just wanted to go have drinks/dinner as coworkers or if he was asking me out on an actual date. I was confused!

You see, I was a serial dater not too long ago. And, yes. I did the online dating thing. I met so many men who were lame as hell and I met a few I really liked. But mostly I met them online. So being asked out by a coworker was weird for me. Very, very weird. I just didn’t ever meet men in the traditional ways (traditional meaning pre-Internet dating ways).

Turns out he’d had a crush on me, too, and it was a real date. And we’ve been together ever since. 2 months ago he proposed in New Orleans – on our anniversary trip, almost 1 year after our first weekend trip together there.

The fact that we met at work is significant to this because our jobs required us to travel two weeks out of the month. We moved in together a short 5 months after we started dating, because it just made sense financially. And, well, we wanted to live together. We were spending all of our time together anyway, so why not?

But, as things go, the week after he proposed I accepted a new job with a company closer to home. Better position, more money, no more of that jackass micromanager I worked for, and – another added bonus – some separation of work and home. Not that it was bad working with The Fiancé – it never was. Although it only took about 6 months for people to figure it out, we barely talked in the office. Being on the same team made it a little odd, but we were both committed to maintaining professionalism and not letting our relationship follow us to the office. So it was pretty ok.

But – here I am – a 36 year old, perpetually single woman who has had full reign of all things solo for years…and I was one of those people who loved living alone. I’d adjusted. I was cool with it. Beyond cool with it – I really liked it! Then, suddenly, I’m in this relationship I’m super excited about and very happy to be in! But…I’ve lost my space. My space was now our space. And while I wanted it, it was hard to adjust to living with someone else and taking his needs into consideration at every turn.

We had the travel. My alone time. I missed him while we were both jetting off to random places around the US, but I loved my alone time. I loved sleeping alone again! And when you’re in a serious, committed, loving and wonderful relationship people don’t understand when you admit that. But I had been alone for years and I loved sleeping alone!

So, after we got engaged I gave my notice and started my new job. I would still get to travel, but this time I’d go when I want and where I want. No more micromanager bullshit. No more 23 mile commutes with my fiancé. I was able to do my thing.

Getting started with this new job meant I wouldn’t get to travel at first and oh, how I missed the energy of the airport and sleeping in random hotels and eating at random places if researched on yelp. I was dying to get back on the road.

And all the while The Fiancé was still traveling. He was still waking up for 7:30am flights every other Monday. And while I was jealous that I wasn’t flying out the next day, I was so damn excited to have 5 days to do whatever I wanted. In my own home!

This has now been going on for 2 months and I totally miss my travel. But I also love my new job and I’m gearing up to start traveling again. Next month I’ll be away from home for 10 days at the beginning of July and then again in the middle of July to head to Boston.

All this background info to say that on the Sundays before The Fiancé goes on a trip (like today) he starts stressing hard. He doesn’t love the travel like I do. He puts up with it. And he gets super clingy and asks me 100 times if I’m going to miss him.

Umm…if you don’t stop asking me the answer will be NO!

What he fails to realize is that I’m used to two weeks away, because when I was doing that same job we both flew out on the same Monday mornings. Now, it seems, he has been feeling some kind of way about me being home while he’s traveling instead of me being in some random place like him.

I swear to jesiis if I heard “Aren’t you going to miss me?” one more time this weekend I was going to stab my head with one of my stilettos. Of course I’m going to miss him! But do I need to tell you every 5 seconds!?

I started feeling guilty. I mean, yeah. I was super excited for a week alone. A week I could sleep diagonally across my (I mean, OUR) king-sized bed. I was excited to not have to make a carb for dinner that I’d inevitably want to eat even though while he’s gone I do sooo good not eating carbs. I looked forward to not answering “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?” Even though I absolutely love cooking and wouldn’t have it any other way.

So I just feel guilty. For wanting to enjoy my week alone when he so obviously is going to miss me like a kid misses cake.

I had to break it down for him. “Honey, of course I’m going to miss you. I always do! But back when I was traveling on the same schedule as you, you didn’t get so upset about things. You were fine knowing I had to get up at 3am to make my 7am flight, while you could sleep til 5. You didn’t care because I was doing the same thing you were. Now you’re feeling all clingy because you have to leave and I get to stay here. Trust me – I was just as happy to go then as I am to stay now. It’s not about not wanting you here! It’s about being used to having two weeks that I can do whatever I want! This never bothered you before.”

And he got it. Yup, he got it. I haven’t changed, just my travel schedule. And he doesn’t realize that I would much rather be out pounding the runway like he is!

Tomorrow morning he leaves. And I don’t care that this may sound wrong – I’m so happy to have a week to myself again. In my bed. With my kitty. Not missing him any less, but loving the little freedom anyway.

Because – really. I’m not doing so much different when he’s gone than if he were here. I just don’t have to hear 8,000 questions about dinner and weekend plans and why the cat is acting that way. I get to just relax. Sans questions. I get to just chill and watch trash tv and not have to hear about his to-do list.

This is what happens when someone living in a as hoc world (me) falls in love with an anal planner.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But I am so, so glad for the break. And by Friday I will be dyyying for him to just get home!

Sent from my iPhone

Love with Food Box June

I have a serious addiction to subscription boxes.  Serious, ya’ll.  I have so many box reviews I need to do, but I’ve found that if I don’t do it immediately after receiving the box you can pretty much forget it. I will try to clear the backlog, but no guarantees.

First, you should know that I pay for each and every one of these subscriptions I have.  Nothing has been given to me for free and nobody influences my voice.

That being said, Love with Food was my first box ever.  One of the cheapest of all the boxes I receive, but the contents vary from really good to great to ummm…really?! For the most part it remains pretty ok for the price, but remember – as with everything else – you get what you pay for.

One of the things I like most about Love with Food is that I get to try snacks (sweet and savory) that I would never think to buy. There are a few I’ve purchased after trying them and others that I’ve thrown out – like the seaweed in the June box. I tried to like it – I really did! But it was so yucky.  The Fiance’ didn’t even want it and he will eat anything.

So, here’s the box:

lots of goodies in this box!

I gave The Fiance’ the plantain chips, fruit ice and that drink flavoring stuff.  Just not my thing.

I have had SoyJoy bars before and happen to think they’re pretty good, so I look forward to trying this one since it’s pineapple flavor.  Sounds good to me!

I’m also excited about the Do More Bars – this one is coconut and brown rice and I’m kinda saving it because i know I’m going to love it.

If you’re thinking about subscribing to a monthly box and you’re a foodie like me – Love with Food is a great choice to start with.  

my favorite lamb burgers

While they’re definitely burgers and The Fiance’ ate his on a bun, I ate mine in a wrap.  Because I love wraps. Once upon a time, many moons ago, a server at TacoMac told me I could order pretty much anything on their menu and ask for it to be in a wrap. I immediately ordered a bacon cheeseburger wrap and it was awesome that way, so this was what I thought of with the lamb.

First off, I got this recipe here and have been using it for a long time. I don’t change anything in this recipe because I think it’s fabulous as it is.

Credit given where it’s due. And yes, I know that it was meant to be made into kebabs, but I don’t do things the way you’re supposed to do them. I just knew I wanted the flavor of the kofta kebab. Trust me – you do, too.

• 1 pound ground lamb
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 3 tablespoons grated onion
• 3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
• 1 tablespoon ground coriander
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/2 tablespoon ground cinnamon*
• 1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
• 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper

* I misread this and only used ½ teaspoon – it was noticeably different from all the other times I made it, but not bad. Do not leave out the cinnamon. It may sound weird, but it’s delicious and works perfectly with these other spices. Make it as it is written the first time at least and then amend from there. I almost always adjust recipes, but this one if perfect the way it is.

Mix it all together, form patties and grill. Again, had to pan fry mine since I don’t have a grill yet (damn apartment living).

And the tzatziki sauce I tweaked from a few recipes to get what I wanted (so I call it mine!). I made it the night before and let it sit in the fridge to marry flavors. I also used too much garlic (and I love garlic), so I cut the amount below

Tzatziki Sauce

• 2 6oz containers of 0% plain Chobani
• ½ of an English cucumber – seeded and peeled
• Salt and fresh ground pepper to taste
• 1- 2 garlic cloves
• Juice of ½ of a lemon
• 1 T mint
• Drizzle of olive oil

I placed the peeled, seeded cucumber in the food processor with the garlic, lemon juice and mint. Once it was pulverized, I drained the water out (lots of water in cucumbers and will make the sauce runny if you don’t drain – if you like it runny then don’t drain). Combine everything, cover and refrigerate.

Like I said, I made mine into a wrap with red onion, tomato, cucumber slices, feta and the tzatziki sauce.  It was delicious.  I could see adding some red pepper hummus (I prefer the Sabra Roasted Red Pepper Hummus. I have attempted a homemade version, but think this one is pretty damn good and priced low enough to make it worth it).

buffalo chicken wraps

The Fiance’ and I have each gained about 20 pounds since we started dating.  ONE. YEAR. AGO. How disgusting is that?!  I feel gross, but I know I’m to blame since I cook with lots of butter, heavy cream and, of course, cheese.

Lately we’ve been trying to do better.  We eat a lot of wraps and salads, and I recently dusted off my Cuisinart 3-in-1 grill/griddle/something else to make us some healthier meals. I can’t wait til we find a house and can get a real grill!  Life will be so damn delicious.

I love Greek salads and Greek wraps (will post that one later), but I was pleasantly surprised one day when I randomly felt the need for a buffalo chicken wrap.  I don’t know why, but it hit me and I gave in. Simple, flavorful and delicious!

Ingredients:

• 2 chicken breast halves
• Buffalo sauce
• Celery – I like to chop it diagonally to make bigger pieces, but i also LOVE celery)
• Bleu Cheese crumbles
• Bleu cheese dressing (I use Naturally Fresh Lite Bleu Cheese dressing – it’s the best, in my opinion and nobody paid me or even asked me to say that)
• Romaine hearts (from the bag, yo)
• Whole wheat wraps (on this day I used Flatout bread, which is awesome for pizzas, but I prefer the Toufayan wheat wraps for this one)

Just grill the chicken, toss in the buffalo sauce and add everything else to the wrap – simple!  I don’t use a lot of the bleu cheese dressing, but it needs some to kind of pull it together.

Simple. Delicious. Not bad for you.

cheesy

I have a severe addiction to cheese. This time I’m not talking about the silly jokes, the gestures or the cutesy nicknames I make up for The Fiancé or Monkeys, but I can’t deny that I love that kind of cheese, too.

But actual cheese – I have a problem. The cheese drawer in my fridge stays full and I can’t stand to see it getting low. I snack on cheese (excessively), I cook with cheese and I would like to fill a child’s swimming pool with cheese and bathe in it. I just adore cheese!

String cheese – the stringier the better! – is one of my favorites, only beaten by good ol’ Wisconsin cheese curds at room temperature. Holy cow! I like Swiss in my omelets, mozzarella chunks in my delicious marinara with hot Italian sausage, cheese dip with jalapeños with my chips at a Mexican restaurant, scallion cream cheese on my bagels, feta on my salads and Colby – not cheddar – in my homemade Mac n cheese.

But another one of my favorites is one that doesn’t seem too popular here – the grilled cheese. No, not the sandwich, but actual cheese on the grill. The first time I had it was at a huge cowboy party I went to in Brazil. I will never, ever forget the first time I saw those thick, rectangular chunks of white cheese on a stick being grilled right next to a bunch of meat at this party/festival. And it forever changed my love of cheese once I tried it. Before that I liked some cheese, but wasn’t a huge fan. I hated cream cheese and, in general, just wasnt a lover of the rest.

Now, the closest I’ve come to this grilled cheese is Haloumi or the kind I now buy at the Dekalb Farmers Market – Yanni Grilling Cheese. When I first discovered it there years ago I bought a lot of it. Lately, though, I have spent more time wishing I had a grill than improvising at home with things like beef and grilling cheese. But don’t get me wrong here – that grilling cheese is still good when you slice it and fry it in a pan. Just not AS good as it would be on a stick on the open flame.

Have you had grilled cheese? If not, and you are a cheese lover like me, I beg you to go get some. It’s so divine!

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Brigadeiro Cake (Bolo de Brigadeiro)

For those of you who haven’t had a brigadeiro before – well, you’re missing out. But I’ll come back to that.

One thing I vividly remember from my time living in Brazil was the birthday parties and “quinze anos” parties (same as a quinceanera, just in Portuguese instead of Spanish) where you’d walk in to find a table filled with Brazilian candies and sweets. It was like heaven for my sugar-loving soul! I also loved the savory appetizers, but the sweets will forever live in my memory as a time of magnificence I’ve never been able to recreate. In fact, as The Fiance’ and I were still in the wedding planning stage, I full planned to have my tiered cupcake display (instead of a wedding cake, of course) surrounded by these Brazilian delights.

There are a few of these Brazilian sweets that I would love to recreate, but haven’t had the balls to try. The chuvisco, which is probably my favorite ever, and quindim, which is a close second.

Chuvisco

Quindim

But I also loved brigadeiro and knowing how easy it was to make, I decided to make it into a cake for my Brazilian-raised, yet Korean-looking, fiancé to surprise him.

My Cake with some random things in the background. Because – well, i’m no photographer.

First, I baked three 8″ round chocolate cakes using my standard chocolate cake recipe I can’t share (sorry! Use your favorite). While the layers were cooling I started on the brigadeiro. It’s really quite easy.

For my cake I tripled the brigadeiro recipe, as it’s normally made into what I’ve now learned is the national truffle of Brazil! But it you want to use it to make a cake you need more than one batch.

Here’s my recipe (for one batch):

1 can of sweetened condensed milk
1 tablespoon of sugar
3 tablespoons of cocoa powder
1.5 tablespoons of soft butter

Put everything in a sauce pan on medium to medium-high heat (my dial goes to 9, followed by high, and I kept it between 6-7) and stir constantly. At first it will seem grainy – like the cocoa powder is *never* going to incorporate into the mixture, but it will! Don’t worry. Just keep stirring and don’t let any of the mixture sit in the bottom of the pan, like in the corners. This is important.

Stir and stir and stir, until the mixture starts to boil slightly and gets thick. It usually takes 10-12 minutes (yes, stirring is the hardest part). Next time I will use a candy thermometer to better explain this, but in the meantime you’re looking to get it to the point that it’s thick enough to not stick to the side of the pan. If you’re making the brigadeiro into truffles you want to make sure it gets to the point that it pulls easily from the pan when you tilt it. Making it for the cake is a little more difficult because you need to take it off about a minute before it gets to that point or it will be harder to work with.

It’s definitely more of an understanding than a science, so I apologize if that seems vague and this is why I will use my candy thermometer in the future!

At the point I thought it was thick enough, I emptied the sauce pan of deliciousness into a stainless steel bowl to allow it to cool just a little before putting it on my cake. And by a little – I mean like maybe 3 minutes. Just long enough to get my cake round on the spinner and get started.

One of the lovely things about brigadeiro in its truffle form is the chocolate jimmies on the outside. So, be sure to have at least a whole bottle (purchased at Kroger for less than $2) ready!

I spread the brigadeiro mixture onto the first layer and after adding the second layer I realized I hadn’t put enough brigadeiro. In the end it worked out, but you can clearly see my second layer is thicker than the first.

So, spread the brigadeiro on top of the layer, add the chocolate jimmies and don’t be stingy!, then add another layer and repeat.

I, then, basically frosted the cake with the brigadeiro and added a ton of chocolate jimmies to the top. What we had in the end was a super rich, delicious bolo de brigadeiro!!

And, yes. I do feel kinda brazilian after making this cake. Not the painful, hair-ripping Brazilian most people know, but the lover-of-Brazilian-sweets kind of Brazilian!

Inside my lil cake

Make it. Now. You won’t be sorry.

But you might need milk. Jugs of it.

 

getting engaged

At 31 I never thought I’d find love.

All of my life I waited to meet someone I could eventually call my husband. I was that girl who wanted 3 kids before 30 and then another 3 after that. Crazy? Yup. But I always dreamed of a house filled with little people. A house with a huge kitchen and big, bright windows and a full basement and a dog barking playfully whenever one of my many kids would pull his tail.

At 30 I was discouraged. No hope for real love after The Heartbreaker and I parted ways.

At 31 I was a serial dater. Skinnier than I’d ever been and living with my gay best friend? Awesome. We smoked a lot of weed and talked about our dates. Our many dates. Don’t get it twisted – I wasn’t a ho. I just liked dating. And I had at least 5-7 dates/week.

But then that year my GBF met his now-husband and things fell apart. I lost my best friend. I lost my other best friend. And I quit smoking weed. Another eeeeek!

From 32-35 I was madly in love with someone who merely thought I was great enough to spend nights and weekends with, but couldn’t commit. I thought he was everything. In the end he was nothing.

Toward the end of that I met The Fiancé. I was intrigued before I met him. Really! On a training trip with a coworker at my new dream job, said coworker told me about all the people on the team. When he mentioned TF (The Fiancé) I was intrigued because I found out that this guy grew up in Brazil. I was sooo excited! I speak fluent Portuguese after having spent a year abroad in Brazil, so this was super exciting!

A few months later my “sure thing” – the guy I was totally compatible with for 4 years but who would never commit to anything – and I planned a trip to Brazil. I bought my ticket – paid $1300 for that so I could fly Delta and get the miles. I was so excited.

But all along I’d seen The Fiancé at the office and I liked him. Every conversation I had with him made me crush harder. I wanted him, but since he didn’t fit my mold of what I thought I wanted I dismissed it. And at the same time I tried to get us closer together. Because I just liked him. I liked his demeanor. I liked his style. I liked HIM. And everything about him.

Part of me was so against it. He was unlike my usual type, so I tried to push my feelings aside. But I couldn’t! I really liked this guy. When I say “unlike my usual type” I mean sooo far from what I’d normally go for that I found myself in a mental battle between liking him and him not being who I thought he should be. Shameful now.

14 months ago he finally asked me out and when he did I was completely unsure if it was just two friends going for a drink or a date.

Now I know he had the same crazy silly crush on me that I had on him. And he put a ring on it last month!

At 31 I never thought I’d find love. I thought it was over for me.

And at 32, 33, 34.

At 36 I’ve found it. And it is the best thing that ever happened to me. HE is the best thing.

I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. Because he’s pretty much amazing. And he loves me! Me! The broken down, didn’t have 3 kids by 30, old ass woman I am! He loves ME!

A few months ago we found a cat. No, seriously, we totally found a cat. One who was outside our home crying at all hours of the night. And while we should have shooed the stray away, instead we fell in love with him. Because the cat is so cute and sweet and loves us more than we love him. We took him in.

To me it’s almost like TF. He knew I was wounded and he was, too. Together we found an awesome thing. And now we have an awesome cat.

An accidental cat. But an awesome cat.

AC has cost us a ridiculous amount of money, but we love him. He’s part of our family now.

So now we just have hopes that The Fiancé and I can make babies. Not acquire cats, but make real babies. All our own

And I’m a little scared that I can’t deliver.

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summer fruit pizza

Whenever we go anywhere for dinner I always bring dessert. Most times people expect cupcakes, but I’m bored of cupcakes. At this point they only serve to beef up my vacation fund; they’re not fun to make. So lately I’ve been trying to switch it up.

We were going to The Fiancé’s parents house for Memorial Day and I knew exactly what I wanted to make: a fruit pizza! While probably one of the most expensive desserts to make, I knew it would be perfect for my future in-laws who don’t like super sugary desserts.

The crust is usually simple – a store bought roll of sugar cookie dough is easy and tastes good. But don’t make the mistake I did and think you need TWO rolls…or you will get this mess:

It was all over my oven! Thankfully The Fiancé cleaned the oven for me afterwards 🙂

At that point I had two choices: back to the store for another roll or whip up a sugar cookie crust from scratch. I opted for the latter out of pure laziness. I spend too much time at Publix as it is!

But this time I didn’t spread the cookie dough evenly and I got this:

Half was hard and crispy and half was chewy and perfect. It went in the trash and I went back to my trusty KitchenAid mixer and whipped up a third crust.

Finally!

Once the crust cools just mix an 8oz package of cream cheese with 1/2 cup of powdered sugar (most recipes call for white sugar, but I like to use powdered because it doesn’t leave the mixture feeling grainy like white sugar does) and a 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla. Spread it over the cooled crust, then top with your favorite fruit. Simple!

To keep the peaches from browning just toss with some fresh squeezed lemon juice after slicing.

And voila! The future in-laws loved it.